05 May, 2010

This is cheating

I know better than to blog about my job. Dooce taught us very early on that that shit will get you fired. That's why I'm going to pose a hypothetical situation and then give you my commentary. In this completely hypothetical, completely fictional situation an employee is sent to a "time management" course. Not as punishment or anything like that, but simply because there is money in the budget for everyone to have some kind of training and, hypothetically, someone mandated that all new entry level employees should take such a course.

If I had had to spend a day at a completely worthless time management course, the following is probably what I would have posted to Twitter throughout the day.

Spending all day at a time management course. It's as if someone had looked into my mind and found my own personal version of hell.

This woman is very intense and always smiling. Always. She must get daily colagen or Botox injections to keep this up. And crack.

"The idea of values dates WAY back to ben Franklin." I didn't realize values didn't exist until electricity. Maybe she means voltage.

Watched a video w/eagles, Olympic divers and flying text w/phrases like "how do I love?" and "where can I learn?"

I can't make this shit up

"There is a neurological transmitter released in your brain when you check something off." She has a phd in bullshit, not neuroscience.

Being taught how to use a paper planner w/ sections to list email and voicemail. Can't wait for someone to invent a computer and iPhone.

The woman keeps referencing her iPhone. I wonder if the large group of verizon people here die a little inside each time.

This course provides many examples to disprove the age old cliché that "there's no such thing as a stupid question."

"You can use the index as a way of referencing things." There's such a thing as a stupid statement too.

I will say this for her- she gets points for mentioning NPR a half dozen times. These points are the only ones accrued and are worthless.

Less than one hour of clichés left and then I can go for a long bike ride to clear my head. Or drink heavily. Possibly both.

Pro-tip: funny stories about out of office auto-replies are not funny stories.

This time management course has killed my iPhone battery. How the hell am I supposed to manage my time without it?

Thus concludes this special report. We now return to the regularly scheduled silence.

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