22 November, 2009

here for the gang bang: a craigslist story

The company Christmas party is coming up in a few weeks, and despite a mutual understanding with my friends at work that we'd all go stag or bring a friend of the same sex, everyone is now rushing to find an actual date. This quickly devolved into Anna, Michelle and Kate (again, names changed to protect the innocent) writing up a list of requirements for potential dates. On Friday, this was posted on craigslist with hilarious results.

Seeking Short Term Technical Friend for 12/11 - 3 positions avail (Boston)


Seeking Short Term Technical Friend

Qualifications:
Bachelor's Degree, Masters preferred
Straight
Single, non-divorced, no baby drama
Cleanly
Likes sports
Loves dogs
Has a job
Tall - 5'9" plus
Can lift heavy things
No Baggage, at least not over 50 lbs.
Wears a watch
Drug-free
Casual drinker - alcoholics need not apply

Responsibilities:
Available December 11, 2009 from 5:30-9pm for a holiday party with possibility of overtime
Able to dress appropriately
No vomiting, all eyes on me
Ability to mingle without supervision
No lurkers

3 S.T.T.F positions available

The first few responses were about what you'd expect: terrible spelling and grammar, old guys and creepers.

hey it's kevin.i'm 5'7" 255lbs of pure loving.i do have ajob with plenty of freedom(collect cans)love all sports.love animals.can i asume u have a dog(does he bit?i carry a bag of cans around all day some lifting is no problem 4 me.(will i b lifting u)i got a new watch yesterday came with my happy meal at mcdonalds.can i shower before we go.i ride a bitchen huffy with spinners.u will look sweet on it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Hello, I'm repsonding to your add for a great man if I might say ;) No one married me so as not divorced. I've gone to school as you'll be able to tell when we meet. I can hang and crack jokes with the best of them, I like it, most poeple do too. I can watch sports without drinking much so I think you'll like me when we are around.

I like kattens, not on your list but u should konw, dogs are ok if they don't bark hard. I can lift heavy things, but not baggage (like you want ;( ) because my arms hurts. You'll be glad to konw I also do have a watch, I don't use the band because it broke but I keep it in my pocket all small like and it works great!!1! I'm technical. I can keep eyes on you as you say without vomiting unless other people do that a lot?? but I hate lurking too! It should be a good time with me, you'll see give me mailBack and well hit it off!!




Ok sounds like fun. Single, professionally employed 51, 6' 221, can dress up in a suit and tie, Batchelors degree, manager in a small company, Not sure why I would need to lift heavy things but in my younger days I did work fro a beer distributor. I wear a watch have good hygene and present myself well in all settings. If any of this interests you respond with a picture and i will share one with you.



Because its Friday and everyone has taken a half day except me... i decided to browse CL for fun. I assume this is a Christmas party of some sort?? Ok, 27, live by 93/95, bacherlors in Engineering, work for myself in the pharmaceutical industry, clean, like sports, am 5'10", what else did you want to know? Oh, don't wear a watch... I think that covers it. Let me know if you are interested in knowing more.


All of these provided some amusement to us throughout the day on Friday, but absolutely nothing compares to the message they received late Friday afternoon:



Subject: here for the gang bang


From: jack collins

What's up bitches,


I saw your desperate craigslist ad and wanted to respond with my qualifications:


Bachelor's Degree, Masters preferred:


I am a bachelor and I am masterful at many things. For example, a woman once looked at me with her sweaty, satisfied and adorable face and said "you just completely opened my eyes to a depth of pleasure I've never known..." It's my curse, really. I'm so good women hate me. The reality of the situation is this: as soon as a woman experiences me, they are screwed (both literally and figuratively). Why, because once you go Jack, you never go back. The euphoric pleasure that grips a woman when I'm with her is beyond orgasmic, and no man will ever get them there again. I'm pure heroin.


Straight:


I have a slight bend, but I believe the women enjoy the bananarama I bring to the sack. You will not be disappointed, unless you dislike overwhelming pleasure.


Single, non-divorced, no baby drama:


Although I don't consider myself single because there are a half a dozen women in rando cities who believe I'm there boyfriend, I'm far from committed. I have commitment issues when it comes to stupid shit like getting married and being a good father, but I am desperately committed to taking you to pleasure island on an hourly basis, if you wish.


Cleanly:


I vigorously scrub my junk after a questionable lover choice. I monthly tea bag a bowl of acid with my shaft (sans balls) to make sure it doesn't get too use to the sweet nectars of vaginal crease. This keeps it guessing and clean.


Likes sports:


Not sure what you mean here. I've done sports-themed role playing before...


Loves dogs:


Okay, beastiality is not my thing, but I'll watch you and the pup if you want.


Has a job:


Trust-fund count?


Tall - 5'9" plus:


Wow, you are demanding little bitches. I don't know of anyone who has a 5' 9" schlong, but if I did I think I would recommend that they get some loppers and shorten that bro up before he kills an unsuspecting slam piece.


Can lift heavy things:


You girls are so kinky and Jacky likey. I'm usually not into HUGE boobs, because when you get weird with the size of those things it's just plain distracting and absurd. But, yes, I would be happy to lift your 'heavy things' ... i've taken the class on how to take care of implants and have my certificate to prove it, so your heavy things are in good hands.


No baggage, at least not over 50 lbs:


I don't spend the night, ever. And why does the weight of my luggage matter? Are we going to fly somewhere? Mile high club, perhaps? O hell yeah... okay, I'll keep my bag under 50 lbs


Wears a watch:


wtf is this about? If I wear a watch your skin will be so cut up.... def. not wearing a watch. i once made this porno and the working title was "Chuck nOrris goes ape shit on sexually starving amish community" because, from an outsider watching, it looks like I'm beating the shit out of my lovers but really it is just extremely sensual rubbing and quick transitions. sexually violent is a good way to describe it. but, can you describe it with words aptly? hell no. there are about 143 women who know what I'm talking about and they won't shut up about it. heroin, bitches, heroin.


druge-free:


viagra not needed. my sexual rage comes straight from the reservoir of hate and pain i have from growing up with a whorish mother and alcoholic father...


casual drinker - alcoholics need not apply:


I only need water every 2.5 hours. my porn name is "camel bro" ... it's like camel toe, but with bro and it refers to my ability to perform for hours without a break.



Well, I think I answered all your questions and at this point you hos are wanting me pretty bad. respond if you want the time of your life. if not, i'll probably pick all 3 of you up at a bar at some point.... whatevs, you choose.


Oh, and I'm not sure what you require for technical assistance but it has been my experience that technology is not needed in the bed chamber. but, i have been known to fix a diesel dildo or two in my day. usually it's just the batteries... small screwdriver


You may think that I am nothing of what you want, but I believe you will find that I am everything you need.


Jack "no means yes and yes means hurt me" Collins


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