05 April, 2009

Judaism needs some better holidays

This Wednesday marks the beginning of Passover, a week-long incredibly outdated "holiday" which involves Jews all over the world giving up leavened bread. Myself excluded of course. What is leavened bread you ask? I'm sure Wikipedia can give you an actual answer but for our purposes I'll just say that it's normal bread. Unleavened bread, which is the only form of "bread" acceptable to Jews during Passover, is essentially a tasteless cracker called matzah. Think giant saltines with even less taste to them.

Passover is supposed to commemorate the time when the Israelites didn't have enough time to let their bread rise as they were fleeing from Egypt so they only ate matzah for seven days. Or something like that. So to honor or remember them Jews are supposed to remove all leavened products from their home and eat matzah. Awesome holiday guys. I hope the guy who came up with this one got a sweet golden idol from Moses or something. I can just picture the conversation.

Israelite: Moses, this matzah stuff fucking blows.
Moses: I know but it's not my fault that the women didn't have the bread ready. You guys didn't see the first nine plagues as a sign that we'd have to get the hell out of Egypt soon? Get with the program.
Israelite: Can't you do some of your magic and turn the crackers into French bread or something? I mean, you changed water to blood so this should be easy.
Moses: Look, I can't just go asking god for favors left and right. He just killed a bunch of little kids and I don't want to piss him off. That guy has some anger management issues.
Israelite: Alright, fine. But we should at least make all of our followers suffer through the hell of eating this crap for one week every year. That way they'll know how we felt.
Moses: That's brilliant! Here, have one of the golden idols I confiscated the other day. Buy yourself something nice once we get out of this fucking desert. Although at this rate we'll probably be wandering for a couple more years.

Jews seem to really like holidays that force them to suffer. Besides Passover there's also Yom Kippur during which people are required to fast. When do we get the holidays where people actually celebrate something and then get to do fun things like search for plastic eggs filled with candy? What Judaism lacks is a savior. Once we get ourselves one of those then we can start making up fun holidays. Since nobody is volunteering for the position I'll take one for the team and volunteer myself. I know it's a big job but nobody else seems willing to do it and I think we've had enough of this matzah crap for now. So spread the word! I'm now the self-proclaimed savior of the Jewish people. Give it a few years for me to gather some followers and then I'll cook up some awesome holidays for y'all.

Note: I'm not exactly well versed in the Jewish holidays so if I bungled some of the details then I apologize. Once everyone starts worshipping me I'll rewrite them so that they're more accurate. If anyone was offended by this post then please accept my sincere lack of apology. You should probably stop reading this blog.

1 comment:

  1. Catholics dream up pretty interesting celebrations too. Imagine having to give up something you like for 40 days instead of a week. We call that one Lent.

    Commercialized Christmas is cool, but it's not quite the Christmas that The Church envisioned.

    I wouldn't say that the Catholics necessarily have it worse, but we certainly enjoy our quirks.