11 February, 2009

My excuse for not writing: bagels

I haven't written anything lately and there are a few reasons for the lack of posts. A lot has been going on lately, although unfortunately nothing new with the job search. I've been distracted by recent events and my free time has been spent dealing with issues I'd rather not deal with. I'm being very vague here and I apologize but unfortunately I can't really say anything else at this time. I hope that sometime soon I will be able to share these events with the internet world and move on (inshallah!).

The real reason for the recent drought in writing has been my extreme longing for bagels. Being the good Jew that I am, I love bagels. I grew up eating bagels for breakfast, although in Texas we only bought frozen Lender's bagels which are not exactly a Jew's first choice. Anytime I visited my grandparents in California we would have delicious, fresh bagels in the morning along with cream cheese and lox. I no longer eat lox but it's one of the few foods I still occasionally miss as a vegetarian.

Mid-way through last week I got an intense craving for bagels. My typical breakfast is either oatmeal or Raisin Bran Crunch which suits me just fine but that day I felt something was missing in my life. I was planning on ordering groceries the next day and while trying to think of things to add to my list I remembered my love for bagels. The other significant thing missing in my life right now is of course a job and money, so I settled once again for Lender's frozen bagels. I was ecstatic in anticipation of soon having bagels for breakfast. I called my mom to tell her I would soon have bagels, I emailed Amanda and relayed my excitement and I even posted about the circular baked dough on Twitter. Bagels would soon be mine.

When my groceries were delivered last Saturday morning I was handed a receipt listing all the items I had purchased. At the very top was a section for items that were out of stock. Yes, that's right. The bagels were not to be. I had cream cheese but without bagels what good was it? My dismay sent me into a spiral of depression and conspiracy theories. The delivery driver, obviously a Nazi sympathizer, must have somehow learned of my place of employment. He realized I was but a poor Jew in need of bagels and decided to inflict this terrible pain upon me. Or maybe it was the Holocaust denying Catholic bishop Richard Williamson who has been in the news lately. Yes, surely he was behind this crime. There is good news however: Williamson has agreed to look into whether the holocaust actually occurred. He has even gone so far as to order a book about Auschwitz. I will give him several weeks in which to read the book, at which point I expect a handwritten letter of apology as well as a dozen fresh bagels from one of the finest establishments in New York. Even though he refuses to travel to Auschwitz to see the concentration camps firsthand I am sure that his sincere regret will bring him to New York City in order to procure apology bagels for me. In anticipation of these "I'm sorry I denied the holocaust and prevented your bagels from being delivered" bagels I have begun blogging again. Al-hamdu lillah!


  1. Inshallah...It's funny because you don't believe in God.

  2. He does too Kevin, he says right in here that he likes bagels because he is a good Jew.

    Daniel, I'm sorry about your bagels.

  3. When you have an income and I'm back in NY, you must visit. We'll go to Scarsdale and have bagels galore. They really are the best bagels I've ever had in my life.

    Consider this. We lived in Valhalla, a 20-30 minute drive from Scarsdale. And the bagel shop is a popular place, so you could expect at least a short line. Therefore, my mother invested an hour, whenever need be, for bagels. And we ALWAYS had bagels. That says something.

    Also, my favorite childhood meal...cheese* on BAGEL. I had it every morning for breakfast. When I discovered Eggo's in the 7th grade it was momentarily replaced, but I went back eventually.

    *Mild cheddar cheese only. Preferably yellow.